Alzheimer's Sucks, Part 3713
My mind is overflowing with blog posts. My emotions, though, have gotten the best of me today...so they will come at some point. I’m way too tired tonight.
Today’s silver lining, even though I have an issue even calling it that knowing this sweet man is likely sitting alone crying, afraid and sad in his new home, in his new foreign room. Now as I type this, I definitely find it hard to find a silver lining - even though I meant this to be as much as a positive post as possible. My goal was to show the freaking silver lining. Okay, it’s there. I know it is. Wait - where is it?!
Weekends at my dad’s ‘home’ are skeleton crew at best. I don’t mean that badly, but that’s just the way it is. While the sweet lady went to change my father’s pants and clean up the accident he had in the living room, I offered to take a new resident to his room. He was disoriented and confused and there wasn’t anyone else available...and honestly, somehow helping the other residents makes the visits bearable.
What I didn’t realize is that this was a new resident (I mean, I knew I hadn’t seen him before, but I’ve been slacking and hadn’t gone to see my dad since Monday). Please don’t judge me. I’ve been surviving. I’m juggling three jobs and caravanning kids...not even factoring in the emotional toll involved. It’s HARD to see my dad like that and sometimes, I just can’t do it. Judge away. But just wait...if you’re ever in our shoes.
I lead the sweet new resident to his room. He was fully put together. Levi’s, collared shirt, boots, leather belt. If he wasn’t using a walker, I would’ve thought he was a visitor. He was a handsome older gentleman. No one would know his illness.
But he was not a visitor. He’s new. He’s there to stay. He cried immediately as we entered his room and told me he was so scared. He repeatedly told me he was afraid and didn’t know where he was. He was confused. I broke down. I tried to be strong for him, but how do you tell a grandpa it’s going to be okay when hell, you don’t even want to be there AND YOU CAN LEAVE. I tried EVERYTHING I could think of. I used fiblets (thanks, Ken Branum), but I didn’t know enough about him to truly placate him.
I’ve spent 5 years in Alzheimer’s support group meetings and realized I’m not trained for that. I’m not equipped. I easily told a ‘fiblet’ to another woman a few minutes before that we were sitting down with the wedding party to get her to eat. It worked wonders - she ate like a champ!!! But this...this was new.
I began to cry (like, really, really CRY), then I realized I needed to get it together or I was going to upset him more. We looked at his family pictures, we looked through his limited belongings. ...but he was still teary and afraid. He still wanted to know where he was. He still continuously told me how afraid he was. A grown man. Scared beyond belief. I was worried my limited knowledge would make it worse, so I placated him and went to look for help!
...by the time I made it back to my newly changed father, my mom and my kids, I realized one thing. One VERY, VERY important thing - at least when we leave my dad after a visit, we don’t have to worry about him sitting alone crying and afraid. THAT IS HUGE. Huge. Especially in this hell we’re living in.
My heart aches for the sweet man I know is hurting, sad and scared tonight. While his feelings may be relatively irrational, THEY ARE HIS FEELINGS AND ARE SO VERY REAL. I saw it in his eyes. HE WAS SCARED. Legitimately afraid.
I’ll have trouble sleeping tonight, but I know his family will be in worse shape.
Pray, pray, pray for these sweet souls. They don’t deserve this. No one deserves this.