Pregnancy Perils

Ah, Pregnancy! I couldn't help but jot down a few of the "perils" I encountered while pregnant with my beautiful Everly Verona. :)

• Please refrain from telling me how big I’ve gotten, how I’m “blossoming,” or how I’m really showing since last time you saw me. I know. I have a mirror at home. I break down in front of it at least once a week. How about let’s try this in the future – “You look so cute.” Or if I don’t, don’t comment on my appearance at all. Simply ask about the baby – when she’s due or if we’ve picked a name. It’s pretty simple.
• On the same note, while I’m overeager to share the name of my sweet bundle of joy, not everyone is. That’s their choice. When you DO ask about the baby’s name and they tell you they’re keeping it a secret…that’s a sign to LEAVE THEM ALONE. They haven’t told their family, why in the world would you think you’ll be able to break them down and talk them into telling you? I can’t imagine how frustrating that must be. 
• Speaking of, I also have friends who don’t plan to have babies now – or maybe even ever. That’s ALSO their choice. I’ll never understand how Random Person thinks it’s appropriate to quiz someone about their decision – especially in Random Place, like a crowded restaurant. Unless you plan on carrying and caring for the sweet baby, also LEAVE THEM ALONE. 
• Yes, my previous “steel trap” of a brain has turned into partial mush. I realize I’m forgetful. It also makes me a bit crazy. That’s why it’s best not to blame my “baby brain” for anything that’s forgotten. 
• It’s incredibly difficult to find the balance between thankfulness and complaints. Let me explain. I don’t feel good. I’ve gained a crazy amount of weight on my otherwise rather small physique in a short amount of time. My hormones are a wreck and I can’t sleep. BUT I know I’m incredibly blessed that God has chosen me to house this little miracle. So…that being said…when you ask me how I’m feeling, I really want to yell how I REALLY feel, but I don’t. My statement at that moment tends to be, “I feel pregnant.”
• I feel like I’m drowning in water. Not literally, mind you, but my twice-hourly visits to the bathroom really cramp my productivity. And my doctor wants me to drink MORE water to combat my body’s obvious resistance to the increased blood flow. Eesh. Every 20 minutes it is.
• Please don’t tell me how you or someone you know is absolutely precious pregnant. That’s wonderful – I’m excited for them. But I feel and look anything but precious, so I’m not really interested in hearing about how adorable they are.
• On that same note, please also refrain from telling me how you or so-in-so were wearing your pre-pregnancy clothes within a week or two of delivery. I don’t care. I won’t be and I need to be fine with that, so you’re not helping. Oh – and I may ruffle some feathers, but I really question whether that’s entirely healthy. Just sayin’. Everyone’s body is different…so please put your miracle stories away and I’ll focus on what’s to come.
• I’m pregnant. I’m hungry. And I can’t have the luxury of wine, so please do not comment on how much I’m eating. I’M GROWING A HUMAN BEING IN MY STOMACH. If I want to eat something, I’m going to. Until my doctor says there’s a problem, that’s what’s going to happen. Period.
• Reiterating the comment above…I can’t have wine. Therefore I tend to be a bit cranky after a long day of work. I do my best to avoid people. You might want to do your best to avoid me. ;)
• I am incredibly tired. Not just a little sleepy, but exhausted. I know this, because I can barely keep my eyes open and my arms feel like I’m carrying 20 pound weights at all times. I also know this because at least one person a day tells me how tired I look. That helps.
• I had another point to make here, but I lost it. Yes, baby brain. But only I can blame that. ;)
• Oh – remembered! Please don’t tell me that you know I’m carrying a little girl, because my looks have changed. Especially when you add not to worry, that you get your looks back after the baby’s born. Translation: wow – you’re fat and ugly. That’s not nice. I realize it’s an old wives’ tale, but just like dangling a piece of string above someone’s stomach to determine the sex of the baby, it doesn’t mean anything to me. It just means I’m fat and ugly.
• Being pregnant is the best way to find out all of the birthdays surrounding the due date of your baby. No matter who you tell, you find out the birthdays of everyone in their family who is near that date. What’s odd to me, though, is when Random Person seems to be offended when you say you’d rather not have to wait 10 days AFTER the due date to make sure your child’s born on Random Person’s Cousin’s birthday. Like I have any control anyway. 
• Dear Waiter, it’s not really all that funny to bring out extra sauce “to the pregnant woman at table 12.” Anyone who knows me, knows I love my condiments even when I’m NOT pregnant…so please refrain from this type of comedy. 
• Dear Wine Bar Owner, do not approach me minutes after I enter your establishment to tell me that you cannot serve me alcohol. Um, I was there to hear a friend play – not to jeopardize the health of my unborn baby by imbibing in tons of your wine, thank you. On the other hand, many doctors say it’s fine to drink even one glass of wine a day - so who are you to tell me or anyone else what we can and cannot do. I choose not to drink at all. My choice. I don’t appreciate you making a scene like you’re having to cut me off. Maybe you should have focused more on the hand full of people I saw leaving your establishment obviously drunk that evening. 
• There’s something a little demoralizing about not being able to bend over and tie your shoelaces. It’s not a good feeling.
• I realize my September due date was not good timing – and that I’ll have to go through the heat of the summer. It’s 100 degrees outside, so I’m obviously aware. We were shooting for October/November, but God had a different plan. There’s not a whole lot I can do about it at this point!
• By the way, this is a TEN month process instead of NINE months. I’m not sure who came up with that substantial lie, but it’s a huge difference!
• My daughter’s name is Everly Verona. I obviously love the name or I wouldn’t subject her to it for the REST OF HER LIFE. So, even if you don’t like it, please pretend to – or don’t ask to begin with. I’m not going to change her name just because Random Person says, “Oh.” with a confused look, so really at this point, you’re just being rude. 
• While I realize that my physical condition is obvious, what I plan to do with other parts of my physique really isn’t any of your business. It is never appropriate to ask someone if they are planning to breastfeed. If you feel it necessary, at least use the word “nurse.” On second thought, just don’t ever feel it’s necessary. Nursing is something that many women are incredibly uncomfortable discussing – especially if they’re first-time moms and they’re not sure if it’s something they’re interested in doing or not. I’m more open to discussing it, simply because I did with Eli and plan to with Everly, but even I don’t particularly enjoy having long, personal conversations about my breasts with Random Person. 
• I also realize that I have developed a small waddle with my walk. It will only get worse as I get closer to my due date and there’s not much I can do about it. Again, I’m pregnant. You know that, because just yesterday you commented on how much bigger I’d gotten since the last time you’d seen me. Last week. Just so we’re clear - I’m carrying an extra human being – be it a small one - and my center of gravity is a bit off. While the waddle may be cute to you, it is NOT cute in any way to me. In fact, I find it much more enjoyable when you don’t point it out. 
• It’s always important to think before you speak. Case in point. The following statement isn’t very nice: “Wow, you’re about to have that baby, huh?!” I still have six weeks to go. See, if you had thought before you spoke, you might have realized that you have no way to gauge the timing of her impending birth…so it’s best not to suggest it’s tomorrow.
• I have decided that hitting the 33 week mark cues something in others to discuss the position of your increasing belly. I can’t tell that she’s dropped, so I really don’t understand how you can either. Or, how you can tell that the baby of my friend who’s due a week after me has also dropped. It’s intriguing to me that we can both get the same comments in the same week at separate places of employment.
• I can now identify with a beached whale. Rolling over in bed just isn’t the same. If it wasn’t so much work – and so uncomfortable – it would be funny. But, ask my husband who accidentally laughed…it’s not. ;)
• Despite the physical toll of hormones and extra weight, your self esteem can only take so much. :) I hope this puts into perspective a little of what pregnant women go through – and why they may be a little more irritable than normal. Please be sweet to them.

**originally posted November 16, 2010