Love One's Self

"To love one's self is the beginning of a life-long romance."
-Oscar Wilde

We all live busy lives, balancing family, work, and friends...and somehow, we forget to balance ourselves in the mix. We are constantly with other people and when we're forced to be alone, in the car or even on an elevator...we're on our cell phones! With that, I'll take it a step further. Some of us not only forget to spend time with ourselves, we run from that time...simply because it's the unknown. I find myself always focusing on the needs and wants of others, but never focusing on what I want or need. Is it because I'm selfless? I'd like to think so, but that's simply not always the case. Ever since I was a little girl, I've never wanted to be alone. Sure, my parents' divorce played a part in the fact that I felt a little uneasy about being "left," but I never, ever wanted to be alone. I couldn't sleep alone, I couldn't play alone...I couldn't even go to the restroom alone. And I didn't have to. My mother and I moved in with my aunt and two cousins and since there wasn't really room for me, I got to pick who I wanted to sleep with every night. I remember the panic I felt when I was forced to do what I thought was pure torture - sleep alone. When my mother remarried, I spent the first two weeks crying myself to sleep outside their locked bedroom door. A difficult lesson on independence, but one I most certainly needed to learn. Thinking back, I've always been an overachiever. I wanted to be involved in everything, so I was constantly busy and constantly entertained. I moved from my parents' home into a four-bedroom house with SEVEN other girls. Alone time was foreign to me, just like I wanted it to be. When I married, my husband was always there and when he wasn't, a friend or one of his sisters spent the night. When I divorced, I found myself completely alone on the nights Eli spent with his father. I remember vividly the first night he was gone. For so many reasons, I didn't know how to function. I cried myself to sleep. It was almost too much to handle. I then decided I didn't want to feel that feeling again and made sure I always had plans on the nights he was gone. Always. It was unhealthy, as many of those nights were spent out until all hours with the girls, but it worked for me at the time. I never had to focus on me. I never had to focus on what I wanted from life. And I didn't want to. I'm so happy to say that is all finally changing. I'm beginning to love spending time with me and it's becoming a luxury to spend an entire evening alone. I'm not sure what I was afraid of and it's sad that it's taken me 30 years to figure it out...but better late than never, I guess! ;)

This being said, I'm learning to love myself like I love my best friends, forgive myself for the things only I know I've done wrong, encourage myself to excel at everything I do, love myself, even the imperfections that most likely only I see, and most importantly, believe in myself.

**originally posted November 20, 2007